Happy holidays!

Oh christmas tree... surrounded by art and books.

The dude.... looking like your stern father.

Potential conversation: "Dad? Um... I don't know how to tell you this but... um... I crashed the car. Yeah, it was totally not my fault... Joey texted me right as I was turning left into the liquor store and my cigarette butt fell on my lap... Yeah, the car blew up..."

As if inflatable holiday decorations weren't trashy enough.

Inspiration for the day

Usually I hate these kinds of things, but this one is so pretty that I actually don't dislike it. I actually may kind of like it.

OPRAH BLOW OUT

A combination of my two favorite things: wine and christmas

My tacky birthday

After last year, which consisted of a snowstorm and crying about turning a quarter of a century, it could only get better. Thanks to some amazing friends, it was the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.  I broke my camera, which is probably good since some of us may want to run for president one day. But I stole some of these from friends. So here are some blurry pictures of a blurry night.

Yes, that cake has a picture of me wearing a bib dress with puffy sleeves. Can you believe someone gave that to Goodwill?!

Bacon flavored diet coke

health(ier) diet soda selection + worst fatty food = crazy awesome

Best verbal exchange ever?

Boyfriend: You know what Mickey Mouse says... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And if you can't join 'em, fuck 'em.
Me: I'm pretty sure Mickey didn't say that.
Boyfriend: Oh he did. Its in Fantasia.
Me: Nope.
Boyfriend: Yeah, the mop scene.

Troy from Community and I have the same birthday.

TOP 10 BEST CHRISTMAS STORY QUOTES

10. "NADDAFINGA!" - the dad (running out to get the glue)
    and "You used up all the glue ON PURPOSE"
  No words. NO. WORDS. 
   
9. Ralphie: "I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!"
    Everyone: "No, you'll shoot your eye out."
 Yes, the best kinds of toys for children are the ones where you might loose a body part.


8. "My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master." - Ralphie

   I love how parents tell their kids not to use profanity and then have mouths like a sewer. 

7.  "Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!" -the dad:
    I might name my first dog Bumpuses just so I can sound like a deranged old man when I yell for him in public. 


6.  "Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense." - Ralphie
    Well, it's not like you can do mixed martial arts in a onesie snowsuit. It's not like you can be considered part of acceptable society either. 


5.  "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. "- Ralphie, retreating to go listen to little orphan Annie.
 This quote stands true as most men can still be tempted AWAY from sex by a ginger. 


4. "Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf. " - the kid brother, Randy
  Me too, kid. Meatloaf sucks. I don't blame this kid for eating like a piggy one bit. A mound of processed meat? Gross.


3. "He look's like a deranged easter bunny... He looks like a pink nightmare." -The dad
   We all used to get THAT gift. The one you wouldn't be caught wearing. The one that made you shake in terror every time you saw a clothing box under the tree. I still get shivers this very day when I see a rectangular box under the tree. 


2. "Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra." -the waiters at the Chinese restaurant 

Last year, we spent Christmas day at a Chinese restaurant and I sang this like an idiot. I have no regrets.

1. "FUUUUUUUUUUUDGE" - Ralphie

   And my swear word of choice from age 7 to 10. Or at least until my best friend convinced me that "Puck" was a swear word... I live in the north where everyone plays hockey, so I thought they were swearing every time they said puck. TRUE STORY. 

The epitome of Maine classifieds sections: AA meetings next to deer cutting next to bible study sessions next to wedding vow writing next to the man who sold me my first car.

My bird room.

Soooo... I think my room is precious. Obviously, I have a thing for birdies. Yes, that is a stuffed penguin on my bed. His name is Berg. 

Muffin FAIL.

Tri Berry Muffin FAIL. I had two choices when this happened: cry like Guy Fieri at an Iron Chef Challenge or take a picture for facebook.

Positive Thinking

Jason Derulo says his name before songs so people know it's him and not Weird Al Yankovic. No confusion.

What would happen if everyone did what Jason Derulo does by saying their name before everything... It would be like "Lola Sizemore: buying groceries." Or my favorite: "Lola Sizemore: writing stupid things on a blog."

TRAITOR JOES USES PAPYRUS IN BRANDING?! EW

Now usually I'm all about Trader Joes and I was thrilled to get one finally up here in Portland, Maine. I'm sick of having to go to Whole Paycheck for my organics when let's be real, bananas are organic anyways. Why would I pay more for them? When I lived down south, the Trader Joes was everywhere and it's about time we got one up here.

As a frequent visitor, I'm well aware of their personalized and well designed branding. They have constantly impressed me. But due to a vitamin E deficiency and a need of more natural oil for my skin,  I picked up this little number. What should I see on the label? Papyrus. THE MOST ANNOYING FONT IN THE WORLD.

Not only do I see this font everywhere on the branding for misguided, local small business owners but now at Trader Joes? It's a horrible font, completely over-used and it doesn't say "organic" or "granola-y" or even "natural." No, it says "I'm too lazy and cheap to hire a designer that cares." Being that Trader Joes usually has great branding, I can only chalk it up to that they thought no one would notice the Vitamin E oil sitting at the bottom of the shelf. Lucky for them, this designer has weird skin. And I caught you guys.

Paul LePage, tea party favorite won the election.

Now, I'm not trying to be rude... but the guy looks like the Penguin from Batman.

Homemade lineoleum cards for sale coming soon.

After the success of my cards, I'l have some for christmas/buying soon!

This is what you find at dance clubs in Maine.

Oh it's just your average creepy doll in a rickety high chair. No big. Random picture of a nurse? Totes normal. 4 ft. tall telephone? Completely useful for drunk dialing.

Manicans, vintage lunch boxes, antiques, a light up dance floor and more. ALL can be found at Bubba's here in Portland, ME. Why, you may ask, would someone name a dance club after their toothless cousin from Arooooostock county? Well,  it's all part of the incandescent charm of one of Maine's finest and sketchiest dance club.

I was a ferry boat for Halloween.

A friend of mine suggested that I go as a faerie for Halloween. I thought she meant ferry? Well at least I was the one ferry boat in Portland, Maine. Way too many girls wearing next to lingerie and Lucite heels for my liking. It's time to bring back awesome Halloween costumes! No longer can we wear just a sexy dress and devil horns and call it good! Make the holiday count!

Banana Buttermilk Pancakes from scratch

AMAZING. DELICIOUS. I MADE THESE?!

Lot of traffic. Thanks y'all.

How about more people from Idaho though? Don't you guys read blogs? That's the only state that's still greyed out on my googly analytics.

Something tells me this kid doesn't grow up to be the next member of MENSA.

I did the Dempsey Challenge and raised a ton of money

Go team members!

I saw Lady Gaga and Bill Clinton in the same week.

Wicked exciting. Lady Gaga was here to repeal Don't ask Don't tell... which was ironically put into place during the Clinton administration...
However, both had some great things to say. Both said them very well. And both brought good attention for good causes to our little state. So win!

Like a good Italian, sometimes I make pasta from scratch.

Flour, salt, egg, water.... and use a wine bottle as a rolling pin.

Oh hey Fort Williams.

yeah for maine. We have an old military fort/lighthouse. Free to go to. Priceless experience.

SHARK PUMPKIN!

Aren't you scarrrrrred?!?!

Ironic moment: A cat showed up at my doorstep. Her collar said that her name was Lola.

Not going to keep little Kitters here but she has shown up and tried to run into my apartment for the past 4 days in row.

Bye Bye Jenny Slate.

Jenny Slate is leaving SNL.

If you don't know who she is, she's the girl who never really got a good chance to shine in any of the skits.

Sure, there was Tina-Tina Chaneuse but that's it? She would have been great as the "happy hipster" or the "teen-angst cheerleader." Maybe the "mom who brings her baby everywhere."

With Kristen Wiig playing 80-90% of the leads in all the sketches, there isn't much room for anyone else. Some people call her the "MVP of SNL" but really I think she's just the one that played the game and got on set. Sure she's funny, but in a traditional and reincarnation-of-Gilda-Radner kind of way- and we all loved Gilda. I also don't get the whole Gilly Character or why a whole episode at christmas was devoted to her. Lorne, I would much rather you treat the players on SNL like your children. Of course let the more experienced ones do some of the heavy lifting, but don't sign your will over to one kid. Politics, Schmolitics- be fair and the show gets better.

I like to think there are plenty of funny people who wouldn't do well on SNL. Louis CK would be a disaster. And no one would get Demetri Martin whatsoever. Even Zach Galifinakis, who was FANTASTIC when he guest hosted, would only do so well for so long. You have to be a completely traditional kind of comedian on SNL.

So here's a little video Jenny Slate worked on. She wrote it and is the voice of the Marcel the Shell... and it's a clear, perfect example of her talents not being used adequately on SNL.

I challenge...

Anyone to make an argument against gay marriage that isn't about religion, personal spiritual beliefs, or discriminatory.

Also, if there is any factual evidence from a nationally recognized organization that gay parents raise children any differently that straight parents, I'd love to hear that as well.

Don't piss off Patrick Stewart.

My brothers?

It's almost boot weather!

Baby boots

Puss and Boots and kitters

Brew dog and uggggers

PIGGLIES

SHARKMOBILE

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

A year ago today...

I was stranded at a Pennsylvanian truck stop.

I had a small Penske truck full of useless junk, most just called "art projects"... and a terrified pet turtle sitting in a tank on the front seat. I was surrounded by truckers wearing leather vests and with long, scraggly beards. The gift shop sold Indian dream catchers, pop rocks and t-shirts with wolves on them. And not the lame Twillight kind of wolves... the weird, "who buys this crap" kind of design work wolves.  Behind the truck, my mother was driving my little silver car- which also needed gas. She had flown down to help me move from Atlanta to Maine. I just kept swiping my little debit card at the pump as if the words "denied" were just symbols on an ancient Egyptian burial tomb.

But now it was clear. I was officially broke. And unemployed.

Everything I owned, I paid for. My desk, my clothes, my food, my diploma. But I couldn't pay to put gas in my rented moving truck and car. And all I wanted to do was get out of the South and back home to Maine. I had just finished a program at a portfolio school for creative advertising. There were little to no jobs in Atlanta- much like the rest of the country. But definitely no creative jobs.

 Sure, I would miss my friends, my girls and my bar trivia buddy. But I'm a New England girl at heart. And if you have been raised by the ocean, you can't live in a land locked town.

It was one of the worst and most defining moments of my life. I knew it was bad, but I also knew it could only get better from there.  With a loan, a long talk and a hug from my mom, we finally continued driving.

When I got back to Maine, I hit the ground running working babysitting jobs, freelance design gigs and selling my little paintings. I didn't stop trying and I didn't stop working in Maine of all places. And I paid my mom back for the Pennsylvania rescue. It brought her and I closer together and made me realize that some people are definitely meant to be Moms.


It sounds bad but it's amazing what you can do in a year. New job, new apartment, new great friends, and a new outlook on life. Lots of news. You keep going and work hard because you have to. No one has it easy and if you do, you don't appreciate what you got. Anything good is worth a real struggle. And if it has been tough, no one will know what you've gone through either. That's what makes you unique. You bring more to the table when you've had more experience. And I count being stranded at a truck stop in Pennsylvania as experience. I also count it as a great bar story.

 It's hard to stay positive all the time- for anyone, but things in motion stay in motion. So I firmly believe that you don't have to be completely positive, you just have to be entirely realistic that things do get better. Everything and anything could be worse.

Just be thankful when they get better.

I'm riding my bike 50 miles.

I never do these kinds of things but this organization has a much more personal meaning for me. I never ask you guys for cash, but I would really appreciate you donating to a wonderful cause. And I'll be riding my bike for 50 miles. Which is like Portland to Kennebunk.


Click here to make a donation. It's wicked easy and quick.

Definition of JOY

Sneak attack

KID CUDI vs. Weird Al

Both make songs that are based on other songs. Weird Al does parodies (like Amish Paradise from Gangsta's paradise). Kid Cudi does his own take on songs like 50 ways to make a record. Big question: Does Weird Al give Kid Cudi career advice? Or do they snuggle by the fire making fun of pop songs while secretly wishing they were invited to the VMA awards? I just don't know.